Truth.

Raising a teenager is filling my life with beautiful moments.  Moments that are rewarding and give me hope for the future.  They are, without a doubt, some of the funniest, the warmest, the most loving moments that I could hope to share with my son.

But these are moments.  Moments that are cushioned all around with frustration, raised voices, mistrust, miscommunication, tears, anger, lying, slammed doors, loneliness, anxiety, broken plans, and silence.

As parents, we give.  We give and give.  And we sometimes get so little in return.  They are unreasonable.  They are ungrateful.  They are mean.

And then, when you least expect it, they plop down on the couch beside you and tell you the funniest thing that happened in math class.  And then they share something really cool that they read on Reddit. Or the ridiculous photo that someone took of the Tech Design teacher.

It's a roller coaster, to say the least.  He moves from one extreme to the other with lightening speed and it's impossible to keep up.  I wake up every night and then lie awake wondering what will be next.  Worrying that he's not studying, that he's not eating, that he's not sleeping, that he's not happy.   I'm exhausted all the time.  I struggle to get motivated to get things done - the important stuff like groceries, laundry, carpooling. Yoga is the only thing keeping me sane.  Lots and lots of yoga.  Otherwise, I haven't picked up my camera and I haven't written.  I just can't.

I know that this is normal.  I know that he's a great kid that stays out of trouble.  I know that being a teenager these days is far from easy.  I know that there are parents everywhere that are having the same hushed conversations with each other.  I know that he really doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  I know that he's got a teenage boy's brain and is incapable of seeing a world outside of his own.  I know.

For now, I'm trying to find some balance.  I'm trying to bask in the love when I get it and then steel myself for the fall to come.  I put on my protective shield and try not to take it personally. It's the best I can do until the love returns.

I usually shy away from sharing our warts, instead saving this space to share the good parts of our family.  But this is not dirty laundry.  This is part of our family right now.  And, someday, we will wake up and realize that our beautiful boy has returned to us on a full-time basis, and that we made it through to the light at the end of the tunnel.

And I will start sleeping again.

Truth.